Many times, my faith is defeated by my mood in dealing with the unexpected situations..

I always ask God why..
Why He didn't create me just like king David, so that I'll be able to defeat "my Goliath"
Why He didn't create me just like Abraham, so I’ll have big faith in dealing with my problems..
Why He didn't give me this, so that I'll be able to do that, etc.

The more I think about my inability, the more I feel uncomfortable with myself (the bad mood feeling)..
The more I feel uncomfortable, the more I hate being me.
The more I feel that way, the more I lose my faith.
And live without faith is awful..

Becoming a perfectionist woman is quite frustrating. I couldn't easily deal with failures and always try to "repair myself" just for being as perfect as I want..

Afraid of being failed makes me being mastered by fear..
And the fear makes me depend on men not God..
__________

That's my enemy, those negative feelings..
Sometimes I lose..
But, I try to remind myself that God has His own way to show me that He cares about my war and He's on His way to help me..

I never know when I will defeat myself..
I just go with the flow..
Try to keep believing God's Love is enough for me to defeat me under His grace..
Try to move forward and have hope that one day I will win..

_Iva Ginting_